Post by Wicked on Sept 19, 2008 13:41:14 GMT -5
The Best Smart Ass Answers
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'